Domestic Violence Awareness Month
It's about control
By MARGIE SCHRAMKE

To law enforcement, it's one of the most dangerous calls. To the courts, it's a burden. To the victims, it's an ongoing nightmare.

The age-old problem of domestic violence is one that is often ignored by people who are not directly affected, but its impact on society is huge.

Domestic violence is the number one cause of violence to women. More women are hurt or killed from domestic violence than from rapes, muggings and car accidents combined.

In the U.S. and Canada, 31% of all women killed are murdered by their husbands, ex-husbands or boyfriends.

This sobering statistic reflects the seriousness, and the prevalence of an issue most of us don't even think about.

One of the most challenging aspects of dealing with domestic violence is altering the perception of others. This is illustrated by the fact that there are more shelters for animals in this country than there are for victims of domestic violence. People tend to perceive animals as helpless, but women as having the choice to simply walk away.

Why doesn't she just leave?

This question is one of the most frustrating for victims and their advocates. By asking it, the responsibility for the situation has been shifted from the abuser to the abused.

One victim answers it this way. "Why aren't people asking 'Why did he do that to her?'"

There are many reasons that contribute to a long-term domestic violence situation, among them are children, lack of employment, transportation, education and most significant, fear.

Abused women are hesitant to reach out for help. The prospect of leaving their abuser can be overwhelming. In many cases, the abuser is the primary or sole breadwinner. This puts the victim and any children in a difficult situation. It is hard for a victim to manage on the public assistance that is available for long enough to make any real changes in her life.

They fear losing their children, or not being able to support them. They fear the unknown, the challenge of making it on their own. Most of all, they fear the retribution of their abuser if they try to leave him.

Statistics prove that a battered woman stands seven times the chance of being killed if she leaves. It's the ultimate act of defiance in the eyes of the abuser.

Some of the victims are literally trapped. They don't even have money to buy gas if they are lucky enough to have a working vehicle. Leaving requires strategic planning, comprehensive support and legal intervention to safeguard victims and their children.

It's all about control

Abusers share common characteristics. Many of them will try to control every aspect of the victim's life. They isolate her from family and friends, dictate what she wears, how much money she can spend and where she goes. They will check the mileage on the car or take the keys.

The typical abuser believes that violence offers an appropriate solution to any conflict with his victim. He feels he has the "right" to punish her for any behavior he doesn't like.

A batterer typically objectifies women, he does not respect them and sees them as property or sexual objects.

In one local court case, the abuser was being tried for choking his wife and slamming her up against the wall. He assaulted her because she fell asleep in the bed of one of their children, which was, apparently, a practice he frowned upon. He actually got to question her in court, where he repeatedly said "but why did I do it? You broke the house rule!" He said this in front of everyone in court, and it appeared that he had no sense he had done something wrong.

Most batterers have low selfesteem, and while they may appear outwardly successful, inside they feel inadequate. Batterers blame their violence on things like stress, their partners actions, a "bad day," alcohol or other factors. They are often charming and considered "nice guys" by outsiders.

Frequently, victims of abuse develop low self-esteem and become unable to make decisions, or recognize that they have options. Many of them actually see themselves as responsible for the abuser's violence. Some have learned to accept the abuser's view of events and feel guilty for what has happened.

Abused women are frightened by the prospect of pressing charges against their abuser. Often, when law enforcement arrives, they will say "Please don't arrest him," because they know he might bond out in a few hours, and they want to be on the record with him that they didn't want him arrested.